Monday, April 4, 2011
Whole30 Day 21 - Breakfast
2 cage-free eggs and the rest of the mushroom sausage mix from the other day's stuffed squash.
I feel... weird. I wake up feeling... happy. I forgot what it felt like to be happy and now I feel happy like, all the time it seems. It's weird and it is such a foreign feeling that I feel.. I don't know, ashamed, guilty, something? Guilty, I think that's it, I feel guilty for being happy. I don't know why, but I have been nothing or unhappy for so long that I forgot what happy feels like. I do know that when I would have brief periods of being happy, people close to me would be like "What's wrong with you." So I stopped trying to be happy because apparently the people around me couldn't handle me being happy. When I am happy, or at least when I used to be happy, I was HAPPY. I was fun and giggly and goofy and the people I know in my life now know me as the depressed grumpy person. I started to think maybe they didn't want me to be happy, maybe they wouldn't like me as much anymore. Now I don't care. I am happy and I am tired of hiding it. People ask 'How are you?' or 'How's your day' and I want to say GREAT or PRETTY GOOD! but I feel weird being happy and I don't... want to hurt someone's feelings by me being happier than them or something so I say 'Eh, it's ok.' I am not doing that anymore and if you don't like it, tough shit. I feel good and I am not going to hide it anymore. It doesn't mean I don't care, it means I am starting to care about myself finally.